When a king such as myself brings forth his presence to a movie theater, the expectation is that of a quality experience that lingers in the mind beyond the final seconds. The issue with DC’s latest feature, Shazam: Fury of the Gods, is that it is outstandingly doodoo butthole. This film not only bored to tears, but it was also an example of how oversaturated and lifeless the superhero genre has become. I’d rather go outside and actually do productive activities than watch this movie again. Upon that, Zachary Levi needs to dig a hole and go to timeout because my lord, my geriatric grandfather could do a better job acting as one of the youth. There’s a daggum Fast and the Furious joke about family in this film, a solid two years after the meme died. Whoever wrote this film needs to browse Wattpad and Reddit for half-decent ideas because crusty thirty-year-olds write better fanfiction in their free time. The most memorable sequence in this film was Skittles propaganda involving black unicorns. Out of context, that has to be one of the most immature and straight up silly concepts you’ve ever heard. Someone such as myself, with gobs of divine wisdom and unrivaled maturity, is clearly of a sound enough mind to judge this stupid waste of time. Eat Arby’s.