Something Sucks


Parker Traman

As a man who is biologically incapable of suppressing his pessimistic, and oftentimes cynical, tendencies, I simply cannot think of something to dog on today. But mark my words, something sucks. I mean think about it, no matter how perfect the world could be, even if it was without flaw, something would most definitely suck. Oh good lord, you can’t go about your day without remarking about how something sucks. It could be anything, anywhere, of any function. Now am I saying this because I’m an aggressively negative person stricken with the disease of too much free time? No. I’m saying this because I need to inform all of you hooligans that something sucks, and while I can’t tell you exactly what it is, just know that it is out there, and nothing will change that. And when you find that something that just so happens to suck, come find me, and I’ll inform you of if it actually sucks because as we all know, my opinion is the highest order.