The World Cup Sucks


Parker Traman

I’ll start you off with a brief disclaimer: your feelings do not matter to me. No part of me cares about your love for the sport of soccer, because my opinions on the matter, quite frankly, bear more weight. The World Cup is the bane of my existence, I hate everything about it. I understand that I might be disrespecting billions of people, however their patriotism is nothing but attention-seeking bigotry. What in God’s name is so fun about a sport that moves at a snail’s pace, involving grown men running around for an hour-and-a-half, only for it to end in a zero-zero tie? Nothing is fun about that, it puts me to sleep almost immediately. Also, can I mention how much of a disgrace the American team is? Like goodness me we strut our stuff, pumping our chests, screaming bloody murder about how this is our year, only to get violated in the qualifiers or the round of sixteen (ahaha, this year was no different). Like seriously, we’re the New York Mets of FIFA. Lastly, soccer fans are parasitic monstrosities who live vicariously through men like Messi or Ronaldo. I mean for God’s sake, soccer fans have literally set off BOMBS because their team won. Like my guy, no one cares that your country won a soccer game that’s most likely a group stage match-up. Find a new hobby, please.