Chris Pratt Sucks


Parker Traman

In my quest to render all things obsolete through my undeniable pessimism, one man stands in my way: Christopher Michael Pratt. This “actor” (quotes exaggerated) is one of my least favorite figures in Hollywood, not because he’s a questionable human being (actually look up him potentially being anti-gay, that’s a little goofy), but because he is the most annoying excuse for an entertainer this side of the toilet bowl. This man is in every big budget project aimed towards a tween or young child audience, and for what? Nothing, that’s what. He’s so unfunny that I get more enjoyment from the 2011 film, Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked, which was the first movie I ever hated. He’s so flat when it comes to emotional moments that he has to scream his lungs out just to show you that he “cares”. The first Guardians of the Galaxy was a great movie, I’ll admit that, but Chris Pratt was by far the weakest part of that movie. This man and his goofy face with his goofy music just danced around the whole time and cracked a semi-relatable joke with hints of 1980’s pop culture. What he did in those Guardians movies single handedly changed my perspective on comedy in film; the 1980’s aren’t funny. Also, Parks and Recreation sucks, it’s just a rip-off of The Office, which is the most overrated excuse for comedic television I’ve found in my seventeen years walking this Earth. Also, Chris has disrespected the entire nation of Italy with his God awful excuse of a Mario voice. Apparently he trained for months to get it right, only to speak in his normal voice. I have a better idea: why don’t you spend those six months learning how to act like a semi-competent human? Boycott Chris Pratt, he’s a plague upon the film industry and he occupies my nightmares. Please help me.