Canadians need to stay in Canada. They are polluting the American culture with their maple syrup and hockey shenanigans. There were 797,000 Canadians that immigrated to the US in 2019. That is 797,000 people that think a slice of ham is bacon. Canadians are too nice to be in this country. On average, Canadians apologize more than people in the United States. Canadians will bring their radical ideas to our pristine country. They have free healthcare and may expect that we should too. Free healthcare means higher taxes for the middle class. The Canadian ideals will change the American culture slowly, and will slowly infiltrate our government. They have two official languages, English and French, just to confuse us on the other side of the border. It is code so that we can’t understand their treasonous conversations. Canadians drink their milk from bags. This is the main reason they should be banned from the US. There are so many reasons for the exile of Canadians. They should stay on their side of the continent. We don’t want them.

Disclaimer: This piece is satirical and is not meant to reflect the views and ideals of The Scarlet Ink staff or Orion School District.