The Cereal Judgement Variety Hour

Parker Reviews Cereal Because He Had Free Time


Parker Traman, Writer

Oh, cereal, a simple treat wrongfully advertised as though it is a healthier alternative to your standard buttered toast breakfast, what could we possibly do without it? No matter what, someone has a cereal they enjoy, it’s impossible to hate every single cereal out there. 

I mean, if Kellogg’s or General Mills went under due to poor sales, who would provide us with a completely unbalanced breakfast? That’s right: no one. 

So today, I, Parker, with all of my profound wisdom, will go over a handful of popular cereals and give them my honest take on them. Please note, this is not up for debate, and whatever I say stays. If you disagree with anything I say, then you’re just wrong, please deal with it and accept that my palette is simply more refined than yours (that was a joke, please don’t be offended).


Apple Jacks’: Starting the list off with an absolutely legendary treat. I hate to spoil the surprise for later, but Apple Jack’s tops my cereal totem pole and then some. The combination of crisp apple and sweet cinnamon is enough to make any mouth water. If you don’t like Apple Jack’s, what is wrong with you? (Rating: 15/10)


Cap’n Crunch (Crunch Berries): While normal Cap’n Crunch certainly gets the job done, it’s the berry alternative that brings home the bacon. The berries are delightful, and the standard brown pieces are possibly the best base cereal out there (by base cereal, I mean those weird brown or tan pieces that come with assorted cereals, more on them later). I can eat bowls upon bowls of this stuff, truly immaculate. (Rating: 10/10)


Cinnamon Toast Crunch: A God-like entity capable of providing a fantastic start to your day (or just a good snack). (Rating: 12/10)


Cocoa Puffs: An old favorite of mine, this peculiar chocolate cereal used to top my list for years. But sadly, that coocoo orange bird and his puffy delights have fallen off a bit for me. While they still taste good, they don’t provide the same spark to my life as they did when I was younger. This is the definition of a kiddie cereal (a cereal you really like when you’re young, but as you get older, you realize it wasn’t that great). Still great though, and the fact that it turns milk into chocolate milk is a game-changer for me as a dairy milk hater. (Rating: 9/10)


Cookie Crisp: This is everything I said about Cocoa Puffs, but time eleven. If you want cookies, just eat them. Still pretty good though. (Rating: 6/10)


Fruit Loops: For some reason, Fruit Loops have been subject to many public hate speeches and I simply do not get it. Toucan Sam and his colorful rings provide an instant buzz of excitement the instant they hit your tastebuds. Justice for Fruit Loops. (Rating: 9/10)


Frosted Flakes: Why is this advertised as an athlete’s cereal? Why would a basketball player eat a gargantuan bowl of these sugar discs before a game? That’s simply just bad marketing. Now I do enjoy Frosted Flakes, but I’m never up in arms about them. Plus, some of the flakes are unevenly shaped, and some of them are so sharp they can legally be classified as weapons. (Rating: 7/10)


Fruity Pebbles: Let me say this at a high volume so everyone in the room can hear this: FRUITY PEBBLES ARE OVERRATED. (Rating: 5/10)


Golden Grahams: Now, I’m not a big fan of graham crackers, but Golden Grahams hit close to home. I don’t know if it’s a bad thing or a good thing to say that the Golden Grahams granola bars are better than a simple bowl of the cereal itself though. (Rating: 7/10)


Honey Bunches of Oats: Out of all of the “balanced” and “healthy” cereals, Honey Bunches of Oats are by far the best. Shout out to my dad for only buying this for five straight years. (Rating: 8/10)


Honey Nut Cheerios: If you prefer any other Cheerios flavors, you’re a monster. (Rating: 7/10)


Lucky Charms: Similar to Fruit Loops, Lucky Charms have gotten a ton of hate in recent memory, and I believe it’s more deserved. This stupid little leprechaun deserves all the hate he gets, rather than friendly old Toucan Sam. To be serious, however, the marshmallows carry this cereal to a good rating, because the base cereal is absolute garbage and should never see the light of day. Just make an all marshmallow alternative, I am begging you! (Rating: 7/10)


Oreo O’s: Ooooooooo thank the Lawd these were reintroduced. Oreo O’s didn’t get enough love during their initial distribution from 1998 to 2007. But ever since reentering our lives and hearts in 2018, Oreo O’s have become a staple of the cereal market. Jeez man, these are just really good, there’s nothing to dislike about these literal Oreo o’s. (Rating: 10/10)


Raisin Bran: I have only ever seen my grandpa eat this, and that’s a testament to the taste. Never try this. (Rating: 0/10)


Reese’s Puffs: The fact that this cereal has become a meme is amazing, and they’re just as good as the cereal itself. This was a staple of my early morning Phineas & Ferb reruns. (Rating: 10/10)


Rice Krispies: I’m not surprised that when the krispies aren’t surrounded by a thick coating of sugar and compacted into a block that they suck. (Rating: 2/10)


Trix: People seem to forget about Trix. Well, news flash: don’t, they’re fantastic on every conceivable level. (Rating: 12/10)


Wheaties: The only time I ever had a mouthful of Wheaties, I reevaluated my life choices. (Rating: 0/10)


And that’s the list, if you enjoyed it, fantastic. If you didn’t, I don’t really care. Down below I will rank the cereals by rating (if they have the same rating, the higher cereal will just be based off of how I’m feeling today). This is Parker, the cereal connoisseur, signing off.


#1:) Apple Jack’s (15/10)
#2:) Cinnamon Toast Crunch (12/10)
#3:) Trix (12/10)
#4:) Cap’n Crunch (Crunch Berries) (10/10)
#5:) Reese’s Puffs (10/10)
#6:) Oreo O’s (10/10)
#7:) Cocoa Puffs (9/10)
#8:) Fruit Loops (9/10)
#9:) Honey Bunches of Oats (8/10)
#10:) Honey Nut Cheerios (7/10)
#11:) Lucky Charms (7/10)
#12:) Golden Grahams (7/10)
#13:) Frosted Flakes (7/10)
#14:) Cookie Crisp (6/10)
#15:) Fruity Pebbles (5/10)
#16:) Rice Krispies (2/10)
#17:) Wheaties (0/10)