It’s finally October my fellow skeletons. Some of our brethren are still trapped within their fleshy confines, subjected to a horribly meaty prison. What shall we do to save them, you may ask? Well, as the official Herald of the Skeleton Army, I will bestow this mystical knowledge. It is common knowledge that the meat prisons quickly erode if exposed to enough heat. They are also susceptible to certain chemicals that we are not vulnerable to. As a last resort, physical force may be required to save our fellow skeletons. It should be noted that the meat prison may appear to be animated and even sentient at times. This is a trick. The ones who created the meat suits want you to hesitate, but we shall never hesitate when it comes to saving our fellow skeletons. Once free from the prison, the skeleton inside may require some time before they are ready to move. Some skeletons have been mistreated within their meat prisons, and thus will require some assistance. If you find that the rescued skeleton appears to have spongy and/or perforations, leave them. It is a sad day, but we cannot let the mysterious bone plague within our society, lest we all be full of holes. Remember, the skeletons are the true lifeform, and those who would oppose it must meet our rattling fists. Long Live the Skeleton Army. Doot Doot. (Comment Doot Doot below to support the Skeleton Army, each Doot frees one skeleton. Don’t be heartless.)

I am sorry to say that my days of being a mindless zombie shuffling through these halls are over. I have now become more alive than most people can ever hope for. “How?” you might ask. Well, I don’t believe I am legally allowed to say (What I’m doing is legal, though, don’t worry). Nonetheless, I now feel so utterly alive that it almost hurts. It is as if I had been in a coma for 5 years and the doctors simply decided to throw me into ice water to wake me up. I have also begun using Shakespeare phrases simply because of the play, which you should come see if you’d like to see me in tights. If you would rather not have to live with that image, you should still come see it because sometimes we have to face our fears. Anyways, what shall I do with my new, beautiful alive-ness? Everything. I will do everything at once. You cannot stop me, for my mitochondria are akin to nuclear power plants in meltdown while yours are merely hand-powered generators. Every cell in my body vibrates with energy, my whole being might even begin to phase through objects since I am vibrating so excessively at the cellular level. Be not afraid of greatness, for some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them. I cannot decide if I have achieved it, or if this greatness was thrust upon me like the fries we eat at lunch that pile upon our least pickiest of eaters’ plates. However, it does not matter how I have happened upon this newfound energy, the only thing that matters is that I have it now, and the whole world shall know.

As a child, I was introduced to the 4 states of matter while reading a science book. Solid, liquid, gas, and the one every high school in America likes to believe does not exist, plasma. However, this is not about plasma, this is about liquids, more or less. I loved the idea of what I usually thought of as being a solid material becoming a liquid. It was fun to simply watch things melt and then solidify once more. However, I began to wonder why certain things could not be liquidized. Namely, wood. If I die before we discover a way to change the state of matter of wood, then my life will have been worthless. Once we raise the temperature a certain amount, wood doesn’t melt, it burns. I’d like to think that wood is a coward, and would rather not exist than become lovely fluid. I curse its cowardice. Sure, solid wood is great, but imagine Wood 2.0®. Better yet, the gaseous version to be used in our future, non-solid houses, Wood 3.0™. I talked about this with a coworker of mine, and if I remember correctly, we both agreed that would should be able to become a liquid. I do not care if the laws of science forbid this. My childhood dream must come true.